Passion versus Reason

A topic of much discussion back in high school, as we were often forced to critically analyze the mindsets of Shakespeare's finest.  It's funny how even now, years later, I often find myself revisiting this idea by choice.  On this scale, I often consider myself to be tipped heavily towards the side of reason.  Is this a bad thing?  Who knows.  Does this mean that I'm not a caring person?  Certainly not.

The reason that I haven't been able to update this blog has nothing to do with a lack of interest - I have kept journals for the past seven years and am very enthusiastic about chronicling our journey.  However, I am also very enthusiastic about school and skating, and maintaining the life that I had been living before any of this had happened.  I know to some it seems like this is an avoidance strategy.  Keep yourself busy, keep your brain off of daddy and his brain.  People think that because I don't visit him everyday that I don't care.  Frankly, I don't care if people choose to perceive my behaviour that way.  I know that he is always on my mind, and I hope that even in his present state, that he knows this as well.  I know that taking time off from school, quitting skating, and rearranging my life are things that I would be willing to do if that was what he wanted.  That said, I know that he would want me to maintain some aspect of normalcy in my life, which is why I have not been acting any differently.

I remember the day that my mom told Dana and I the news.  It was October 23rd.  I had been out with a few of my friends in Mississauga when my mom called me at around 11PM to come home.  I didn't really think I was out "late" but she seemed adamant that I come home right away, and so I did.  I remember standing in our bedroom, "I have some news", and the words end of life care.  I had had a bad feeling about everything the whole week, so perhaps that played into my reaction, I don't know.  I just remember Dana crying, and me just....standing there, and trying to defend what would appear to be an indifferent reaction:

"It's not that I don't care.  I do.   I just don't see a point in being sad when nothing has changed since yesterday except that now we know.  He is still here.  Why should I be sad?  We can't change the situation.  All we can do is be there for him and hope he goes without suffering and in peace."

I stand by my statement.  I am sad that this has to happen to him.  I am sad that this has to happen to my family.  The thing is, wishing things were different and being depressed won't get anyone anywhere, and it can't change the way that things are.  I may only be 20 years old, and he may only be in his 50s, but loss is loss.  It is a concept that does not get any easier with age.

Thank you so much to the people who have reached out with kindness and helped my family through this difficult time.  You are brave and extraordinary people.  To those who have chosen to turn a blind eye, well, I reiterate, loss is loss.

So for now, I will continue on.  I am doing well in school and I will be competing in the first competition of the skating season next weekend.  It is too bad that my dad can't come watch like old times, but I will do my best to have a good skate for him.

I have not kicked into training gear just yet, but I hope to real soon!  I may be clocking in 14 hours of exercise a week as a varsity athlete and physical education student, but my education tells me not to underestimate the importance of specific training.  Bring on the biking!

Lots of love,

Stacey